About the Author...
With any good story, a well-executed backstory is legit the best way to understand the plot and the Main Character’s motivations. It’s no different with people, and in this case, myself.
I was born on March 1st 1993 in the city in the sun, Nairobi, Kenya, the third child and only boy to an English Lecturer and Architect and no I’m not spoilt.
Okay, maybe just a little bit… hahaha.
Anyway, back to the story. So while living in the rented maisonette in Highridge Teacher’s Training College (HTTC), Parklands, I schooled in All Saints Cathedral Kindergarten and then transitioned to All Saints Primary School for my Upper Primary Education.
I was then transferred to Hospital Hill Primary School in Westlands where I did my Standard 3 to Standard 8. While there, I shared my first awkward kiss with my much older girlfriend and dabbled in my first taste at poetry.
It was very bad, like very, very bad… hahaha.
But I survived the cringe worthy dalliance with the arts of letter writing, and soon discovered my love for Telenovelas, Short Stories and particularly Erotica. Yeah, my innocence was rubbished a very long time ago, sorry mum… haha.
I started scribbling chapters in between Math class and P.E. behind my A4 exercise books. By the time I was a senior in Standard 7 I was the regular provider for smut and all things raunchy. That was before my content was confiscated and I was banned from writing stuff too adult for me to understand.
Like that would stop me… hehe.
Before I could sit for my final Kenya Certificate of Primary Education (KCPE) however, HTTC changed ownership and a bunch of the stuff was laid off, including my mum. I parted from my older girlfriend with a more experienced kiss and we moved from Parklands to another rented maisonette in Eastlands.
I wasn’t as lucky in love this second time around after I graduated from Primary School in December 2006. My second girlfriend, a year older than me (yeah, I have a thing for older love interests as you will notice in my writing… long story, don’t ask… haha) shared her colorful love letter with her church elder mother and I was immediately banned from ever speaking to her.
Heartbroken and disheveled, I wrote my feelings into my diary, binged on telenovelas and wrote more teenage smut. When I joined Form One as a High School Freshman in Upper Hill High School, I was a regular back alley amateur smut novelist with a taste for teen drama.
It helped coz I hated boarding school and suffered horrible withdrawal from homesickness. I think that explains why it was here that my scribbling increased tenfold, with a booming market of sexually repressed hormonal teenage boys. Yeah, guys are always horny no matter what they tell you… always.
It was love at first sight.
After a whole year of writing delicious smut and suffering from ‘I want to go back home’ syndrome, a case of Gastritis and a perfectly worded letter to mum, I was removed from boarding school. I was to spend the next couple months looking for the school I preferred after my dad scolded me for throwing away a perfect opportunity at a prime public school.
It sucked, but I did it.
Unknowingly, my dad had taught me a very valuable lesson. If you want something bad enough. You can get it.
By January 2007, one of my sisters helped me enroll in Nairobi Pentecostal Church Secondary School, a private church owned day school just five minutes away from home. My love life was practically dead at this point and so was the tolerance for my unpublished smut. So I took a break and reconnected with God and sang more than write. Then I sat for my Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education (KCSE), got an average score and decided I wanted to do music.
As the story goes African dad blows the roof off and refuses to let son do music. As a result, disgruntled teenage son vows to waste away his life and throws a mega tantrum. This leads to mum appealing to sisters to mediate. Long story short, I begrudgingly enrolled for a Bachelor of Science degree in Public Relations and Communication.
I hated every minute of it.
Still, I tried to swallow the experience by interning at my sister’s Wedding Stationery company during the day. Fate or God decided to smile down on me though and gave me a reprieve. In other words, my love life got a major boost.
Can I get a hallelujah amen… hehe.
An ebony haired Medical student from Nairobi University thought I was adorable. I thought she was the prettiest little thang I’d ever seen but I didn’t have the balls to tell her. So my best friends cornered us one fine afternoon and got the two of us to admit we were teen lovers in a regular romcom. MY LIFE WAS FINALLY PERFECT EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I HAD A HUGE ASS SECRET.
For those of us unfamiliar with this phrase, I don’t know you, please just stop reading right now, stop, yes, stop and go watch Love, Simon.
Have you stopped? Hahaha.
Stay woke… lol.
Long story short, there was a break up, lots of tears and my world came crushing down.
Unlucky at love a second time round and battling all kinds of mixed feelings, my writing was deeper now, held more emotion, had more depth, with less happy endings. I quit my internship at my sister’s company and for my senior year project at Moi University, I got an internship at NHIF. I fell head over heels for the pretty intern in the call centre who friend zoned me within the first week.
That friend zone though… eish!
But here’s where things got a little interesting. I like to think of it as the high stakes point of the story where the Main Character finally like discovers themselves and all that isht. So I made a new friend thanks to a blind date sort of situation.
A reminder to be good to your colleagues. They could be the solution to your dry spell… just saying… haha.
We had pizza and coke, dude laughed at my pathetic jokes and I ended up in my first gay bar by the end of the day.
Scandalous right? Hahaha… it gets better.
I tasted my first glass of alcohol, danced a little emboldened by the ambrosia of the night and I kissed my fine af blind date outside the smelly men’s bathroom.
It was admittedly the best kiss ever.
Or was it that other time in the… wait why am I telling you this? TMI, just, scroll down!
You heard me, you know way too much than is good for you already. Go on! Get!
Fast forward a couple of years later, I am again miserably single, which is good because it reflects through my not so terrible writing. What happened? Well, it’s complicated, and by that I mean I’m a grade A d@#khead who didn’t realize what was good until he’d lost it.
It’s okay Eli… you promised yourself you wouldn’t cry. Get it together! Haha.
So I’m unemployed, because what even is experience… lol. I love dogs but hate cats because they leave fur all over my clothes and their shit smells like death. I’ve been blogging since 2012, dabbling in poetry to drain my lingering self-inflicted heartbrokedness.
And yes, I know heartbrokedness is not a word but if Shakespeare can do it then by heck so can I!
Where was I?
Oh yeah, I’m a self-confessed Short Story Connoisseur now who dabbles in freelance photography and content creation. By that I mean I do it and get no money for it. Just thought I’d clear that up for you. So if you see a bunch of ads and patreon prompts, now you know… haha.
I’m a graduate from Moi University with a Second Upper Postgraduate Bachelor of Science degree in Public Relations and Communication. It sounds fancy but it hasn’t gotten me a legit white collar job yet, so yeah.
844 is a scam! Let nobody tell you otherwise.
When I’m not drowned in sticky notes and coffee, you’ll find me catching up on the latest fantasy film, singing in the shower, fantasizing about travelling the world, singing in the kitchen, absconding on my to be read list, singing in the bedroom, petting one of the three, no actually four cats and three dogs and eating, because I love eating, a lot, especially meat.
At the time of writing this, I’m 27 years old and living with my parents in Kitui, Kenya. I’m still saving myself for the one. If you’re out there, hurry the hell up, I’m not getting any younger!
I know, I know, it all explains the being single situation but just move on. We’ve extrapolated my mundane existence enough.
I also enjoy Kpop in between editing. I can read sheet music now, sort of. I play guitar, sort of. I use a lot of coconut oil for my locs and am always conflicted on whether or not to shave my beard.
It’s the itching man… it’s damn annoying!
I also absolutely love hellos, so drop me a line and we’ll take it from there, I don’t bite.
Unless you want me to… hahaha
… ignore that… the thirst is real… lol.