Stocktaking – Goodbye February

Word Count = 728

Estimated Reading Time = 3 minutes 40 seconds

Hey love. So another month has come and gone and this time I’ll have to admit that things are looking up. February as a whole has been a learning period for me. For one, I’ve had to learn how to live without my dad. As a boy, heck as a man, my father was everything. He was my hero.

There was absolutely no question he couldn’t answer; no problem he couldn’t solve. It was so second nature for me to “fall”, that not until now did I realize that I never expected him not to catch me.

I knew without a doubt that whatever it was I didn’t know, he definitely already knew. You can therefore imagine the struggle of trying to find the answers to life’s many questions right now when the guy who always had all the answers is, well, gone.

I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by a bunch of really talented and experienced individuals though. Consultation is something I have always done. In a sense, it might be because I have always doubted my own ability to decide. On the other hand, it has also helped me to learn how to learn.

It takes a lot of humility to learn. You need to silence all that you know, if even for a moment and listen, and I mean really listen. You cannot learn if you do not silence everything else.

This includes prejudice, opinions, doubts, fears, worries. All of that is noise and it inhibits proper education.

My education continues therefore in friends, in family, in finally getting my own experience. My dad had years, 65 to be exact, to build all that knowledge. I on the other hand have 28 in my pocket and most of that is not even my own, just hearsay.

That is the other thing I’ve had to learn how to do; being me. It may sound weird but when you’ve grown up guided by the experience of others, well, being you doesn’t come easy.

It involves breaking a lot of habits, one of which is actually doing stuff for yourself. In my case it’s been taking the risk of putting myself out there as a writer. It’s the most frightening thing I’ve ever done.

Every time I post something I consider ridicule, judgement and a lot that recides in the unknown. I wonder what people will think of me or of my work. A lot of the time I try to convince myself that sharing my work is probably not the best idea. Most times I manage to talk myself out of it.

This month however, I’ve had to fight the fear of the unknown. I’ve had to remind myself that my voice matters, however inexperienced it may be. I mean sure, it might contain a sprinkling of each and every other person I have interacted with but that’s not entirely a bad thing.

I am a result of my dad, family and friends’ influence. I have been flavored by books and films and people around me. Without all that has affected my life, I would not be me. Therefore, for once at least, I am happy to say that I am getting comfortable with being me.

I write and I read. I drown myself in films and then I write some more. I consult and especially now, cannot help but feel the sting of dad’s absence. However, surprisingly so, I keep going, stronger still.

Who knows what the months to come hold. What I am sure of is that I will be more deliberate about everything. Each day is a gift. Life seems to sputter with a vibrantly fresh effervescence. It wants me to live and so do I.

As far as I am concerned. There is a lot to be grateful for; a lot to hope for in spite of the darkness. So I choose to hope, to dream and to write it all down. If for nothing else, that a piece of me, this piece right here right now may remain immortal on paper.

This way I may live on in the minds and hearts of others as my father’s words live on in mine.

So here’s to a happy new month.

Salut!

Was your February as hopeful as mine?