Stocktaking – Goodbye May

Hey love. So another month has come and gone and I am again at the point of evaluation. A lot has happened this month, not so much in action as in reexamination. So grab yourself a cup of coffee and allow me to spill the tea.

In the aftermath of COVID, a lot has changed in my life. Death has ceased to be an abstract notion in my life. I have felt its sting and I must admit, it bites. Fear is another wave that swooped in with the virus. I found myself imagining that in the wake of vaccines and boosters, it would eventually go away.

Alas, it has not.

Before now, anxiety and its evil stepsisters were never something I worried about. Like death, they existed away from my periphery. They were the kind of things that happened to everyone else but me.

Until now.

I have found myself battling mental stability in a way I never imagined I would. Grief coupled with fear of the unknown, depression, and social anxiety do not work well in one pot. Especially not for my creative craft which has suffered the most in all of this. It is very hard to write when you can hardly sleep or think without your whole body seemingly shutting down.

My health has also been on a bit of a downward spiral. I would try here and there to maintain my resolve to stay fit and active, but eventually, the Malay of the mind would catch up and I would stoop into that hole of not wanting to do anything but sit in my PJs and contemplate life. In the darkness though, I did find sunshine and it brightened my life in a way I could not imagine.

I retraced my steps back to the TRY GUYS. For those of you unaware of who I am talking about, do click here to find out, or just watch the trailer below, whichever works for you.

I’d previously stumbled on them in high school, but it was not until now that I found them again, and boy was I glad I did.

Laughter is medicine in the din of life. I never truly appreciated its power until now and these guys served me every opportunity to do so. Though it was after the laughter faded and the talking began that I actually started to find the true value behind their universal message.

Try…

Of all of the try guys, Eugene Lee Yang is my favorite color. Just like his color purple, there is splendor in my life, not from what is freely given, but from the battles that I have fought and the demons I have prevailed against on my own, to even get to where I am right now.

Confidence, as he mentioned once, is not something you’re born with. It’s something you learn, and in an environment of trying out things that might at times scare you, you acquire the skill gradually over time.

Talking specifically about Eugene in this case, I saw him grow into himself, get to the point where it was not just about making clickbait videos anymore, but about growing into himself, finally getting to do what he always wanted to do, and most importantly, not being afraid to let the world know who he was by speaking out his truth.

I will forever be grateful to Eugene’s I’m Gay masterpiece.

In my pit of despair, it lurched at my naval and pulled me up to the surface. That a person could be so brave as to put themselves out there the way he did. It obliterated my self-pity.

I don’t cry over YouTube videos. It’s not something I would have expected to ever do. But I balled at the end of this one. I felt life sip in through my nostrils and fill my lungs. I felt myself come alive again.

It is a scary thing to put yourself out there. To create and hope that people will receive what you’ve made with the gravity that you gave it is a step of faith. Because the truth is that most of the time people won’t appreciate what you do as much as you do.

But sometimes, in whatever percentage, there’s the exception. In that instance, you are somehow able to affect someone so magnanimously that they are completely unable to revert back to their previous state. So I thank Eugene, the try guys, and everyone out there who is walking out into the battlefield naked and bleeding to do this very thing.

It is not for nothing. You are making a difference out there, no matter how small. So don’t stop. Keep at it. Don’t give up. Keep trying. Someone out there needs it as much as you do and as long as you put yourself out there, they will find you.

With Love,

Eli

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